16 May 2014
in comedy, conservative, funny, John David Heaton III
Tags: Pearl Harbored
We all get Pearl Harbored by idiocy all the time. Some just filter it out better than me. So no dancing around the pile of poop, I am getting right down to business!
1: Wanna be poindexters, get wearing thick framed black glasses. Does not make you any smarter or better looking. You are still stupid and will still end up whacking off in the tool shed thinking about some long lost girlfriend you never scored with anyway.
2: Morons who use their hands free phones instead of writing a shopping list on a piece of paper. Don’t need to hear or see you and your fast food head gear walking around like you are a Shakespeare character deep in a soliloquy. Dumbass, I can hear you asking if you want the chicken thighs or breast?
3: Lady’s britches with words plastered on the back side. The chubby broad at Wal-Mart whose spandex tight sweats should have read “Princess” and not “Press” cause your Half Dome size butt cracked swallowed up the other letters. Dumbass.
Ok, I got to stop this for now, starting to get a bit bent, and it is too early on a Friday and sans beer for this :)
18 Dec 2013
in comedy, conservative, country music, funny, John David Heaton III, jokes
Tags: fashion dream, hank jr, Marty Robbin, Merle Haggard, waylon jennings
Let me make this perfectly clear (I am using my Nixon voice) when I had this dream I had not been guzzling suds, smoking hippie lettuce, licking frog bellies, or hanging by the neck naked playing tug-o-war with cyclops. This was a good ol’ fashion dream.
The dream took place in what appeared to be a tavern with a stage. Yeah, like I have been in a pace like this before. Up on stage were Waylon Jennings, Hank jr. and Merle Haggard. Jr is singing “A Country Boy Can Survive”, Waylon is playing a huge slide guitar, and Merle is banging a tambourine. Don’t ask me why, he just is. I am sitting at a table with their album cover, and the entire scene is playing on a small screen that is built into the cover. Under the screen are the words “Sneak Peak.”
All of a sudden Hank finishes with his tune, and Merle starts sining a Marty Robbin’s tune; “I Walk Alone.” And he sounds just like Marty. There is actually a video of these two on Marty’s t.v. show were Merle does this, and does it very well.
Sadly I wake up, and realize that I was not really in this honky tonk listening to my country favorites. This ranks in the top three of my all time favorite dreams that does not involve beer and reverseable under wear.
19 Nov 2013
in Christian, Christmas, comedy, funny
November 19th, and we have not had a day of serious rain in months. The coldest morning has been roughly 40 degrees. There are leaves on the trees, and the Bermuda grass is still partly green. This is the upside to leaving in the People’s republic of California. Every day is golfable, fishable,and enjoyable thanks to the wonderful weather. Sadly, most of these activities are not as affordable as they once were.
Takes a lot of tax dollars from us working folks to support the non-working, and illegal folks that dwell in this state. I know it is a lost cause, but I still remain here partly due to the weather. As I scribble down these words, I see the clouds forming, and I see that my phone’s weather update is calling for an 80 percent chance of rain tomorrow. I will make it a shoe in by washing my car after work:)
08 Oct 2013
in big government, comedy, conservative, dogs, funny, gun rights, guns, John David Heaton III
Tags: education, entertainment, free-speech
I believe the answer to ny question is simply, “to piss me off!” I was sitting in my front yard drinking beer with my little dog, Bill Willy. The dog loves to run the fence line and bark at everything that moves. He’s about 10 inches tall and weighs in at 11 pounds. This particular night, a young man is walking by, and Bill Willy is doing what he does best, and the idiot says, “Shut the fuck up.” Nice going dude. So I tell Bill Willy to “get-em”, and the dude replies to me the same eloquent phrase. Not smart. Beer in hand a spring out of my chair with some very strong language. Dude goes into to monkey fight mode….throwing hands in the air saying “come on cracker”. Really? So I say no problem, just quit backing up. Never seen somebody move so fast backwards in my life. Silly thing is, the further he got from me, the braver he became:) Then dude reaches into his saggy basketball shorts as if to grab a weapon. Idiot, it is easy to see there ain’t nothing but his hand, and small dreams in the pocket.
Why me? Why I am I an idiot magnet? Then it hits me; It takes folks like me to teach idiots like this they need to think about their actions before they act. I am sure this dude was scared all the way to chocolate chonies land. He is probably glad I was not the type that would shoot him…..but I am the type that would have roughed him up a bit. Something more idiots are in dire need of these days.
14 Aug 2013
in Christian, comedy, conservative, funny, Jesus, John David Heaton III, jokes
Tags: adult diapers, current-events, education, you-cant-make-this-stuff-up
Not talking about forest or anything like that. Heck, my title is probably confusing to everyone but me. But give me a chance to explain as only a Hillbilly can.
Back in my 20′s and 30′s, and even early forties, when I would be doing myself up for a night, or even a morning on the town, I had a very small to do list; Shower, Shave, and Shit. Brush the choppers, put some smells good on, and this Handsome Hillbilly was unstoppable..up until the 20 plus something beer.
Fast forward to today. Still rock the three “S’s”, but now I have a fighter’s pilot type of check list. Nose and ear hair tamed? Check. If not checked, grab the clippers and razor and go to town. What the hell happened? How does hair decide to expand its domain as I get older? It still grows very well on my bucket, though graying. It also has migrated to my chest and shoulders. I never figured I would be morphing into a human Che-A-Pet.
Here is the kicker: I can’t even grow much facial hair! Except for my dome, and my unmentionables, I am going in for a Nair Dip.
This is a battle I refuse to lose. If I don’t win, I will be hiking my britches up so high, I will have to unzip them to see. I will be dinning at 3pm, and hitting the roost at 7pm. I will also be wearing adult diapers….wait, I would love to wear those bad boys… less time away from my beer:)
13 Aug 2013
in cat, Christian, comedy, conservative, dog, funny, Jesus, John David Heaton III, jokes
Tags: cat, education, entertainment, tink
My cat Tink is a bit miffed about the pups getting all the pub. So as I promised him, here is his picture.
My boy Tink
12 Aug 2013
in Christian, comedy, conservative, dog, funny, Jesus, John David Heaton III
Tags: animals, conservative-politics, education, entertainment
As many of you know, I love dogs. I have often spoken of Bill Willy and B.W.; the two that cost me a fortune and lived on a death-bed for a week or two. But their runt sister, Tula, is healthy as a horse, though as small as a mouse compared to the two boys. And her she is, hanging with me drinking beer and soaking up the country classic tunes.
12 Aug 2013
in Christian, comedy, conservative, funny, Jesus, John David Heaton III
Tags: conservative-politics, current-events, education, entertainment, free-speech, you-cant-make-this-stuff-up
I usually read the labels and instructions from the products I purchase. I notice that most of them, no matter how simple or basic they are, have labels warning people not to do certain things with them. Here are a few I find funny:
Plastic wrap/packaging big enough to wrap your head in: “Warning, placing head in packaging may cause serious injury or death.”
Freshness pack in any pill bottle: “Do not eat. Can cause serious injury.”
Electric hair clippers (I just bought one) “Do not operate in the shower or bath tub. Serious injury or death may result.”
Razor blades. “Warning, sharp.” REALLY?
I know there are a million more examples because there are millions of morons running loose in our streets. Feel freee to add to this list for dumbasses!
08 Aug 2013
in big government, Christian, coaching, comedy, conservative, funny, golf, high school sports, Jesus, John David Heaton III, jokes
Tags: alternative-news-reports, blink of an eye, conservative-politics, crumbling nation, current-events, education, golf season, nfl player, politics, summer vacations, tim tebow
I have grown tired of seeing articles and television programming that focuses on the bad behaviors of people. Lets start with an obvious example: Aaron Hernandez NFL player, thug and murderer. His face and story is everywhere right now. Tim Tebow NFL player, same team as Hernandez, graduated from the same college, all around good guy, and Chritian…nothing but crickets! Unless somebody is knocking him for being too good of a guy.
I know this is nothing new, but my gosh, how many people follow this crap daily, but they don’t give a crap about our crumbling nation? IRS scandle…so what? Forced health care….so what? OK, you know where I am going with this.
Back to my happy place. I am looking forward to my golf season starting in February. Sounds like a long ways off, but it is not. The work year passes in a blink of an eye, as does my summer vacations. Some folks say this is a sign of old age, but I think it is more of a sign of realizing life ain’t all that bad when you focus on the good.
14 May 2013
in big government, Christian, comedy, conservative, dogs, funny, golf, guns, Jesus, John David Heaton III, jokes, puppies
Tags: big-brother, conservative-politics, corruption, education, entertainment, film flam, free-speech, united-states, vacation, washington
I was going to rage against the criminals we have in Washington, and around the country who give us laws to follow, yet make themselves exempt. Then I said, “What the heck!” Why let a bunch of murderers and film flam artist ruin my life?
It is time to keep life simple and fun. Being a God believing man, I know how the whole story shakes out. This world takes a dive into the crapper, and just as it is about to implode our Lord and Saviour steps in and returns this Earth to the Eden God intended it to be. In the mean time, I got some things to do this summer. Bowling! yes, once again I am bowling two summer leagues. My Tuesday league is pretty amazing. Probably due to the simple fact that the average age of almost all of the bowlers is 112. Not really, but there are many who are the back side of 70. Which is awesome, because many of them are good. I guess it is no wonder why I like golf and bowling, other than the simp[le facts that I am not to shabby at either one, and I can participate for most of my life span.
Also got to get some fishing in this summer. I am going to join a small fishing club that my dad belonged to when he was alive. I will have to give it a once over. River banks tend to attract elements of our society that stink more than my favorite catfish bait. If all goes well though, I picture quite a few days if fishing with my two pups; BillWilly and B.W.. I have to get my money out of them, seeing I spent my retirement savings when they became ill this past year.
I also need to work on some road trips. Still want to get back to Laughlin Nevada for some golf and fishing on the Colorado River. I also want to try my hand at gold panning too.
Guess all in all I don’t have time to worry about junk I have no control over, though I sure I will from time to time. It is just nice to know, that whatever the heck is going on around me, I still will be enjoying myself.