16 May 2014
in comedy, conservative, funny, John David Heaton III
Tags: Pearl Harbored
We all get Pearl Harbored by idiocy all the time. Some just filter it out better than me. So no dancing around the pile of poop, I am getting right down to business!
1: Wanna be poindexters, get wearing thick framed black glasses. Does not make you any smarter or better looking. You are still stupid and will still end up whacking off in the tool shed thinking about some long lost girlfriend you never scored with anyway.
2: Morons who use their hands free phones instead of writing a shopping list on a piece of paper. Don’t need to hear or see you and your fast food head gear walking around like you are a Shakespeare character deep in a soliloquy. Dumbass, I can hear you asking if you want the chicken thighs or breast?
3: Lady’s britches with words plastered on the back side. The chubby broad at Wal-Mart whose spandex tight sweats should have read “Princess” and not “Press” cause your Half Dome size butt cracked swallowed up the other letters. Dumbass.
Ok, I got to stop this for now, starting to get a bit bent, and it is too early on a Friday and sans beer for this :)
18 Dec 2013
in comedy, conservative, country music, funny, John David Heaton III, jokes
Tags: fashion dream, hank jr, Marty Robbin, Merle Haggard, waylon jennings
Let me make this perfectly clear (I am using my Nixon voice) when I had this dream I had not been guzzling suds, smoking hippie lettuce, licking frog bellies, or hanging by the neck naked playing tug-o-war with cyclops. This was a good ol’ fashion dream.
The dream took place in what appeared to be a tavern with a stage. Yeah, like I have been in a pace like this before. Up on stage were Waylon Jennings, Hank jr. and Merle Haggard. Jr is singing “A Country Boy Can Survive”, Waylon is playing a huge slide guitar, and Merle is banging a tambourine. Don’t ask me why, he just is. I am sitting at a table with their album cover, and the entire scene is playing on a small screen that is built into the cover. Under the screen are the words “Sneak Peak.”
All of a sudden Hank finishes with his tune, and Merle starts sining a Marty Robbin’s tune; “I Walk Alone.” And he sounds just like Marty. There is actually a video of these two on Marty’s t.v. show were Merle does this, and does it very well.
Sadly I wake up, and realize that I was not really in this honky tonk listening to my country favorites. This ranks in the top three of my all time favorite dreams that does not involve beer and reverseable under wear.
08 Oct 2013
in big government, comedy, conservative, dogs, funny, gun rights, guns, John David Heaton III
Tags: education, entertainment, free-speech
I believe the answer to ny question is simply, “to piss me off!” I was sitting in my front yard drinking beer with my little dog, Bill Willy. The dog loves to run the fence line and bark at everything that moves. He’s about 10 inches tall and weighs in at 11 pounds. This particular night, a young man is walking by, and Bill Willy is doing what he does best, and the idiot says, “Shut the fuck up.” Nice going dude. So I tell Bill Willy to “get-em”, and the dude replies to me the same eloquent phrase. Not smart. Beer in hand a spring out of my chair with some very strong language. Dude goes into to monkey fight mode….throwing hands in the air saying “come on cracker”. Really? So I say no problem, just quit backing up. Never seen somebody move so fast backwards in my life. Silly thing is, the further he got from me, the braver he became:) Then dude reaches into his saggy basketball shorts as if to grab a weapon. Idiot, it is easy to see there ain’t nothing but his hand, and small dreams in the pocket.
Why me? Why I am I an idiot magnet? Then it hits me; It takes folks like me to teach idiots like this they need to think about their actions before they act. I am sure this dude was scared all the way to chocolate chonies land. He is probably glad I was not the type that would shoot him…..but I am the type that would have roughed him up a bit. Something more idiots are in dire need of these days.
11 Sep 2013
in big government, funny, government drones, Hillary Clinton, John David Heaton III, jokes, liberalism, marxist, muslim, Uncategorized
Tags: barack-obama, big-brother, bombs and bullets, chemical weapons, conventional bombs, corruption, current-events, education, free-speech, gas pipelines, liberal-hypocrisy, political-correctness, politics, smart bomb, weapon of choice
I have been attempting to stay away from anything political lately, but this thought shot through my cranium on the way to work: Chem weapons, if developed properly, are much more efficient and less destructive than conventional bombs and bullets. Plus, they are actually “Green Warfare.” It takes a lot less fossil fuels to rebuild after a chem attack than a regular or “smart bomb” raid.
I would think chemical weapons would be the weapon of choice in a civil war.
Just a tid-bit of information we are not hearing much about from Syria: There are two major gas pipelines that both Russia and ourselves are deeply interested in. Makes you go HMMM?
23 Aug 2013
in C.S.E.A, california public unions, conservative, illegal immigration, Jef Dunham, John David Heaton III, liberalism
Tags: corruption, current-events, education, free-speech, left-wing-nonsense, liberal-hypocrisy, multi-culti
Here is a my letter that is published in the latest copy of the Riverbank News. It was in response to a guest editor’s post:
Response To Guest Opinion: Carol J. Ornelas’ “Comprehensive Immigration Reform Needed”
I would like to submit this for publication under Letters To The Editor: In response to the Guest Opinion by Carol J. Ornelas entitled “Comprehensive Immigration Reform Needed”, I would like to question some of her assertions. Lets start with the obvious: It is not “Reform”. It is the blatant disregard by our state and federal governments to enforce the laws that regulate immigration. “The majority of immigrants” (of course, she is lumping legal and illegal into one pile) “in California are working in agriculture,construction, or the service industry.” This is great news for the masses of unemployed workers in California. And don’t try to drop the “only illegal immigrants are willing to work certain jobs.” Remove the illegal alien workers, and the employers will find employees to fill the void. “To keep our economy strong, we must pass a comprehensive immigration reform..” Really? our economy is in the tank now, so this is just a blatant lie. “Parents and children are torn a part as they are separated from one another.” Why is this a concern? Good parents will take their children with them. Of course, some countries do not grant citizenship to people born outside of their countries. Besides, illegal aliens made the choice to break the law, so they must be willing to accept responsibility for their actions. I also notice that Carol fails to address the illegal alien population that is incarcerated and how illegal aliens have affected our K-12 educational system. Lastly, notice who employs Carol and who her company has teamed with: La Raza. Citizenship is not a right, it is a privilege. To give it to any person simply because they are able to circumvent our laws is wrong an immoral.
Here is a link that provides company names that are directly associated with the name Carol J. Ornelas. Looks like there is some cash being made too me.
14 Aug 2013
in Christian, comedy, conservative, funny, Jesus, John David Heaton III, jokes
Tags: adult diapers, current-events, education, you-cant-make-this-stuff-up
Not talking about forest or anything like that. Heck, my title is probably confusing to everyone but me. But give me a chance to explain as only a Hillbilly can.
Back in my 20′s and 30′s, and even early forties, when I would be doing myself up for a night, or even a morning on the town, I had a very small to do list; Shower, Shave, and Shit. Brush the choppers, put some smells good on, and this Handsome Hillbilly was unstoppable..up until the 20 plus something beer.
Fast forward to today. Still rock the three “S’s”, but now I have a fighter’s pilot type of check list. Nose and ear hair tamed? Check. If not checked, grab the clippers and razor and go to town. What the hell happened? How does hair decide to expand its domain as I get older? It still grows very well on my bucket, though graying. It also has migrated to my chest and shoulders. I never figured I would be morphing into a human Che-A-Pet.
Here is the kicker: I can’t even grow much facial hair! Except for my dome, and my unmentionables, I am going in for a Nair Dip.
This is a battle I refuse to lose. If I don’t win, I will be hiking my britches up so high, I will have to unzip them to see. I will be dinning at 3pm, and hitting the roost at 7pm. I will also be wearing adult diapers….wait, I would love to wear those bad boys… less time away from my beer:)
13 Aug 2013
in cat, Christian, comedy, conservative, dog, funny, Jesus, John David Heaton III, jokes
Tags: cat, education, entertainment, tink
My cat Tink is a bit miffed about the pups getting all the pub. So as I promised him, here is his picture.
My boy Tink
12 Aug 2013
in Christian, comedy, conservative, dog, funny, Jesus, John David Heaton III
Tags: animals, conservative-politics, education, entertainment
As many of you know, I love dogs. I have often spoken of Bill Willy and B.W.; the two that cost me a fortune and lived on a death-bed for a week or two. But their runt sister, Tula, is healthy as a horse, though as small as a mouse compared to the two boys. And her she is, hanging with me drinking beer and soaking up the country classic tunes.