Time To Split Your Gut: Hillbilly Humor Time

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
did…. she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
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Went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
“pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21
and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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Question – Are there too many immigrants in America?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can’t afford batteries!
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A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids,, “What do they
need at home?”
The 1st kid says “A computer”. The teacher replies “That’d be very
useful.” The 2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says, “At my house, we don’t need nothin.”

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs
something. Little Johnny replies, “No, I’m sure.” “When my sister started going
out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, ‘Well, that’s the last damned
thing we need.’
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A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”.
The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The sex is about the
same, but the ironing is piling up!”
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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well… she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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A wife says to her husband, “You’re always pushing me around and
talking behind my back.” And he says “What do you expect?
You’re in a wheelchair!”
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My wife has been missing for a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
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I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids”
is not a good product name.
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There’s a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center,
but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber
jackets.
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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden
hose only reaches to the driveway.