Cain And Able: B.W. And BillWilly

Unflippin believable!, just a few days after getting my boys home from the extended vet visit, the “Fight” lands BillWilly back in the hospital. No, BillWilly, all 10 pounds of him, was not fighting off intruders, no was he attacked by a rabid postman. Nope, that would be fine, but he picks a fight with B.W., and gets torn up. Really, torn up! B.W. tore his fur from his muscle! A perfect “V” shape of now flapping fur and skin hanging off of BillWilly’s front shoulder. As soon as I sent a photo to Dr. Rob via cellphone, yes, us 80’s guys are pretty tech savvy, he said to bring him in to get stitched up. Great, more of my money being spent on these boys.

It all started over them jockeying for seat position next to me during our weekend beer and bbq bash in the backyard. I was able to break that one up, without spilling my beer mind you. This past Monday, while lying on the floor watching Man vs Food, The Brother’s Brawl began. BillWilly started it by growling at B.W. over cushion position. It is always first come first serve, and if you move you lose. Well, BillWilly was giving B.W. the business because he felt B.W. was too close to his spot. B.W. was having none of this mess, and the brawl was on. By the time I pried B.W.’s choppers off of BillWilly, the damage was done. B.W. was spitting fur, and BillWilly was gushing blood. It was kind of “country music songesque”. All my years at my current occupation, and my college years bouncing, this fight ranks right up there with the best and messiest of them all.

So as I write this, BillWilly is laying in the hospital awaiting the surgical skills of D. Rob to patch him up. There ain’t a doubt in my dome, that he will be coming home and wearing the darn “Doggie Cone.” That stupid inverted lampshade that keeps a pup from licking their wounds. I think I need to wear one to keep me from licking my back pocket where I keep my money, because my bank account is about to flat-line:)

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Why Do These Things Never Break?

While driving to work this morning, I was experiencing and ADHD moment and wondered; “Why does everything on an automobile eventually break except for the door buzzers and idiot lights?” The folks that originally designed these devices need to be dug up so they can work on a few other items, starting with, and not limited to, remote control buttons, shoe laces, paper bag handles, and plastic utensils.

I would also have them develop a DVD case that makes removing the disc easy for us common folks. Ya got tobe a flipping Rubic Cube master to get the darn things out in one piece. Oh, and reverse the child proof bottles with Adult Proof labels. The person that came up with this dumb-ass product had to be a descendent of Joey Mengele! Most people would rather suffer with their afflictions, than fight to open these things.

The Anti-Bucket List: Also Known As The “F”it List

Ya hear so many folks talking about their bucket list. From traversing the globe, running with the bulls, ( or in San Fransisco running with the Bull Dykes!), sky diving, or riding a bike across America. Folks have stuff they want to do before they sleep with the worms. Of course, sometimes the Bucket List advances the onset of death. So I figure I would take a different vantage point: The Anti-Bucket List. Crap you want to never do….unintentionally, in private, or in public for that matter. So in no particular order,probably not related to the thread’s title, and seeing that I have extreme ADD and could not place it in any type of logical order anyway!

Being short of breath while tying your shoes…then asking yourself why you don’t have slip on shoes?

Trying to impress a lady 20 years your junior with lines like, ” If your dad has a problem with us dating, I will just trash-can him like I did when we went to high school.” or “You are Cyndi Lauper hot!”

Entering into a Bingo tournament to meet single women.

Eating your meal out of the frying pan so you don’t have to do the dishes.

Dressing in the latest Urban Wear gear when going anywhere.( This only applies to non-black folks.)

Reading “Michael Savage’s” books in Starbuck’s trying to provoke a liberal into a verbal confrontation. This really works, but it stops the liberal babes from talking to you….This is also known as speed dating.

Buying a three-wheeled bicycle with a rear basket so you can peddle around with a cooler of coolies.

Installing handrails in your shower,and next to the crapper.

Dressing up as Matlock for Halloween and nobody noticing it is a costume.

Buying a case of Depends for Super Bowl Sunday because you don’t want to miss the 18 hours of coverage and commercials.

Buying 10 more cases of Depends because it is conducive to a beer drinking, laid backed life style you have always aspired to have!

Amish Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..

‘Go get your Mother’

A Hillbilly’s Christmas List: Most Of This Stuff Is Yet To Be Invented

There is probably a very good reason these product are not around. I will let you be the judge.

Brown, reversible underwear. Tell me this does not solve almost all of the issues that arise come laundry time.
A belt buckle with a can/bottle opener on the back. This does exist because the hillbilly had one as a kid. I would come home from school, grab a bottle of pop, some cookies, and head out to the field with my dog, and sit under the tree. This was before the twist off bottles. Me and the dog would share swigs, and cookies, and for dessert I usually had a Blo-Pop that we would also share. I never thought about the pup getting cavities until now.

Three rolls of duct tape. Hey, this needs no “splain” Lucy. This stuff can be used by plumbers, and gut surgeons. From astronauts to wrecking yard workers. If Duct Tape was president, the country would be shits and giggles, and full of free beer.

Jeans with extra material around the inside crotch area. Because no matter how us guys wiggle, and dance, shake, and pull, the trouser trout always becomes a sharp shooter with the last drop. Then we are stuck trying to find a way to dry the spot before leaving the pee-shack.

Lastly, I want an enclosed, refrigerated beer holder in my truck. I hate when I have a beer riding commando with me, and I get stuck in traffic. He can’t go back to the cooler, because once they make the major league, it is against the beer code to demote. So this product would plug into the lighter, something that newer fancy horseless buggies either don’t have, or are used to charge something owned by metro-non-sexual dudes.

Ok, this is my list for now, but it is nowhere near complete. I still have 10 days before Santa-Billy stumbles down the chute, for his pork rinds and Keystone.

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